16 June-2014, LAUREN HOFFMAN: Hey, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I’m not saying someone has to smash a mirror in every show, and I’m all for episodes about art appraisal and family system dynamics, but we’ll be getting to the legit drama soon, right? Right? Fortunately, even in its slowest of hours, the Kardashians never fail to deliver winners, losers, and awkward product placement.
Kim Kardashian’s new hobby shocks Kardashian fans across the globe
This Week’s Loser: Bruce Jenner’s ponytail
To be fair, the rest of Bruce didn’t have an amazing week, either. Bruce doesn’t lose this episode because of anything he did or didn’t do; he lost because of Kris’s impressive ability to continue thwarting him at every turn, whether she’s crashing his haircut with advice for his stylist or butting into his relationships with his girls. The confusing thing about Bruce and Kris is that everything terrible about their relationship is still happening, even though they’re separated. Somehow, Kris is allowed to let herself into his house, force him to exercise, dictate his relationships with his kids, and complain about his looks. Worst breakup ever, basically.
The most alarming part is that Kris is like this on purpose. Kris Jenner’s a lot of things, but she’s not stupid — she could’ve easily sent Kylie to the beach with a sandwich for her dad days, weeks, months earlier. (Kylie’s old enough to know better when it comes to making her father feel included, most likely, but a fringe perk of being 16 is that you’re not really often expected to act like you know better.) But there wouldn’t have been much fun for Kris in that — she lives for control. Bruce did the right thing by emphatically telling Kris there’s no room for controlling people in his new life, but he can’t start winning until she starts listening.
Hey, Where’s Kanye? Featured in an anecdote about being peed on by his daughter. (Why are “North pees on Kanye” stories such a prevalent narrative?) North was nowhere to be found, but Penelope turned up, pushed a stroller, and looked fierce, so it’s time to up your game, Nori. Kim also learned how to cook for her now husband, but it was all ruined by Bruce Jenner’s hair, which was found in the food.
This Week’s Winner: David Streets, appraiser of art and rocker of tiny, dignified pageboy caps
The “Scott and Kourtney find a painting!” storyline was a tad bit insufferable, but there was something really delightful about the idea that David Streets just hangs out at his house in Beverly Hills until a reality show calls him in on a hot case. (Although, spoiler alert, turns out he’s not actually that awesome at appraising things.)
Scott and Kourtney’s bickering about what to do about the painting seemed realistic enough, as did the angle of them being at odds over what to do with something they found in Scott’s now-deceased parents’ home. But I couldn’t get past the idea that Kourtney somehow has enough training to see a painting, identify its artist, research it, and determine it might be an original. Forget Kourtney and Khloé Take The Hamptons. If Kourt has the skills to back it up, why aren’t we getting a spinoff where she solves international art crime?
Also, was I the only one semi-expecting that at the end of the episode, Scott and Kourtney’s therapist would pop up and announce that she was behind the entire scenario? It seemed like the only conceivable explanation for how perfectly highlighted their differences were. Scott just wants to imagine the painting is real; Kourtney wants to be informed. Scott plans how to spend the money before it’s even there; Kourtney plans to give it all away. Scott gets angry when it turns out the painting’s a fake; Kourtney moves on. Who needs an invaluable painting when you’ve had such an incredible opportunity to learn and grow as a couple? (Answer: everyone, probably.)
Sidenote: What happened to Kourtney announcing her pregnancy this week?
“Oh, yeah, reality TV is fake” moment: I’m still not positive what a “wellness cooking class” actually entails, but I’m pretty sure it was solely conceived for reality television. Even for a Kardashian family dinner, that was a lot of angry staring and picked-over food.
“But this part seems pretty realistic, actually” moment: It’s a tie between Bruce’s refusal to take off his socks at yoga class and Kylie’s refusal to acknowledge that she was even on, like, the same planet where the yoga class was being held.
Final words to live by: “It also said online that I was, like, fucking a donkey. I wouldn’t believe online.” —Kim, on the Interent
(Input source: Cosmopolitan)