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The New Bachelor ‘Just Wants To F— Them’

Normally I am ecstatic for the return of “The Bachelor” because as a seasoned vet of the show I love the combination of hot guy with hot mess train wrecks and a love story full of strange branding deals followed by a televised wedding special at the end. But this time it’s different because the new Bachelor – Nick Viall – is someone I have tried so hard to love but just can’t.

This guy is a reality show fame whore who is so obsessed with seeing himself on TV that he’s back for a fourth time on the ABC dating franchise – which leads us to this week’s season premiere…

For those of you that have selective hearing and missed the 500 times the words “fourth time’s the charm” were said on Monday night, let me break down this guy’s past.

It all started in May 2014, when Andi Dorfman shrugged off the slime of Juan Pablo and began her journey as Season 10’s “The Bachelorette.” Up waddled a grown-up child called Nick and I really can’t remember much more than that about him. But Nick made it to the final where Andi pulled a very classy move and told him he wasn’t the one before he even got dressed for the proposal. And then at “After the Final Rose,” he made a very unclassy move calling  Andi out for sleeping with him.

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After that  screw up, Nick decided that going back on the same show was a great idea. So he went on Kaitlyn Bristowe’s Season 11 of “The Bachlorette,” was passive aggressive with all the other guys on the show and lost again, this time fully dressed and prepared for the one knee bend.

Next this two-time runner-up, believing he was destined to find his true love on TV, travels to “Bachelor in Paradise” where he meets one of my all time favorites, Jen Saviano. I was actually beginning to like him when all of the sudden he dumps her to be “The Bachelor.” Like I say, he’s just obsessed with fame for himself.

On ABC’s website for the show, it actually says this, “Brokenhearted, but not broken, Nick returned to Chicago, ready to launch his new business venture, but instead his journey on “Bachelor in Paradise” made him a fan favorite, with women and men across the country rooting for him to become the Bachelor and continue on his quest to find love.”


Now I am just going to make this clear, I have yet to meet a single person who thinks this guy is genuine, much less a “fan favorite.” In fact, the four men I watched this latest episode with couldn’t stand him by the end of it.  I think my 22-year-old male college friend put it best when he said, “This guy could care less about falling in love, he totally just wants to f— them.”

It was an interesting experience to watch the world’s dumbest but most addictive show with my brother, my boyfriend and two of his roommates as they downed beers on the couch.

As the episode began with Nick dropping his pants and getting into the shower, one of them muttered “Um is this HBO?”

After the world’s most long-winded opening  in which no progress in plot was made and minutes of my life were stolen from me, the girls finally began to arrive. At this point it was very difficult to get my fellow viewers to pay attention but I continued to beg them to turn their eyes back to “The Bachelor” and give it a chance.

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Thankfully, I didn’t need to do much convincing, because then Danielle L. stepped out of the limo. A collective “woah” filled the room as she smiled shyly at the big head in a suit and walked towards him.

“That is it, she won” my brother says automatically and a collective, “yeah” quickly followed. More girls came and went, cute but nothing as crazy eye-catching as Danielle L.

I did find it interesting that Jasmine G. came in with the Neil Lane engagement ring she wanted Nick to give her picked out all ready. Personally I thought it was kind of funny but nothing to freak out about. However my male audience members were not about it at all. All began to talk over each other about how crazy that makes her look. One of them even saying, “that’s not a red flag, that thing is maroon!”

More girls came along, bad conversations were forced, awkward flirting began, stupid sound effects were added to a first kiss – you know how it is on this show.

But then came Liz, who had met Nick before at a wedding and had even spent the night with him. Now the show course made a huge deal about them knowing each other and I realized I already wasn’t a fan of this story plot. Clearly I wasn’t the only one because I saw my brother watching the football game on his phone. He said it was a last second kick of a close game and so we had to change the channel to watch the football. I truly was okay with the break. (And it seems I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t stand him.)

After an incredible kick to win the game, I had the adrenaline rush I needed to get back to “The Bachelor” and finish this painful first episode.

More forced flirting and talking. Then the rose ceremony ensued. All the women I thought would get roses did. Including Corinne. It was clear from the get-go that the producers wanted this girl to be the villain. I will refrain from judging her at this time because I know how good “The Bachelor” is at editing to make people look bad. I can’t take a side right now.

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And then there was the preview for the rest of the season. Of course, ABC found the most drama filled music for host Chris Harrison to voice over. But the thing that got me was wanna-be-sex-icon strolling on the top of a mountain. He begins to talk about why he came on the show for a fourth attempt. He says, and I am quoting this, that he came on the show to “prove to America that true love exists.” We do not need you to do that! No one asked you to selflessly put yourself on TV to have beautiful women fight over you. But wow, that’s so giving of you sir, we thank you for your service!

Then it was over and for a moment we all sat there in silence. My friend looks at me and says, “Mark my words – he’s getting dumped in the end.” And as funny as that would be, I hope he is wrong. As much as I know this show isn’t real, a small part of it is. I would never wish bad for someone, especially in the world of love.

Before I tuned into the show, I wanted the worst for this guy, but after excessive shirtless shots and cheesy romantic music, something in me changed. Maybe it’s the optimism of 2017, thinking that we won’t have another 2016-type disaster so soon. All I can do is hope that this wannabe model begins to prove me wrong, but we will see. Until next time …

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