NEW YORK CITY: Being married to a human can be vexing. You have to consider the other person’s feelings and needs, and their quirks and flatulence inevitably interfere with your daily reality. But the future is offering up an alternative to this unique form of hell! Scientists are now predicting that human-robot marriage will be a reality by the year 2050, according to Quartz. While that may sound like a fairy tale, no relationship is perfect.
On the one hand, marrying a robot means you won’t have to deal with your partner waking you up with an unwanted erection poking your back in the morning, or taking too long in the shower when you’re running late for work. You’ll never have to deal with its insecurities about going bald or buying a Harley in the midst of a midlife crisis. Holidays will never have to be spent with in-laws you hate, and you can literally turn your spouse off when it’s being annoying.
There’s always the risk that the robots will rise up in rebellion and kill us humans, but that seems like a nominal price to pay for partners that literally never forget anything. Sure, robots will never technically be able to love you back, but at least you could program one to seem like it’s really listening to you when you vent about that annoying guy at work. Other downsides: Your robot spouse probably won’t be cuddly and will likely always be cold (due to being metal), and if you get into an argument over directions, it will always be right.
Then there’s the issue of robot exes to consider. With humans, breaking up often means one person’s left heartbroken, Facebook stalking their ex, only to inevitably run into them at Duane Reade while buying toilet paper. Can robots break up with us? With a robot ex, will ending things always be on our terms? Do you merely sell the unwanted model on eBay, upgrade to a newer one, and live happily ever after with a different robot, or do you end up having to go through an actual divorce proceeding, like with other marriages? Can you ghost on a machine when, in theory, it has GPS and would know where you were? Is it ethical to shut down a robot when you’re ready for some side action? What if it stores your passwords without telling you? Seems more complicated than dating a human, if you ask us.